Healing depression, realizing the little things are successes.

Depression. I guess it’s finally ok to talk about this in the open. Many people, all walks of life have stepped out and discussed their story. It is not just a bad day, or a bad mood. It is actually a real, diagnosable condition that affects many people in many different ways.

I was first diagnosed about 17 years ago. I was prescribed an antidepressant when my feelings of sadness turned into feelings of helplessness and a desire to let go of this life. I responded well to the medicine. Although, in hindsight, I realize there were many things in my life that needed to change to alleviate the pain, confusion and mental paralysis the depression was causing. My personal relationships, my health (lifestyle and exercise), my employment, foregoing of my dreams, and my therapist’s inappropriate behavior towards me were all factors. The details of the above will be explored more at another time. It’s important to mention the above before I move into discussing my recent revelation and an important part of my ability to see clearly and move on to my next level of healing.

This weekend I spent time asking myself something I have been struggling with for a long time. It has kept me stagnant, and unable to move forward. I have been asking myself for YEARS, “…what did I do to xyz, to cause them to treat me this way?” There are a lot of deep answers to this, You did not assert your power. You did not live your truth. You did not listen to your gut. All of those things are important and completely valid, the problem is this. They do not touch on something very important.

When I look at the friends, family, colleagues, those in positions of authority or who I reached out to in a professional capacity who betrayed me, I realized one thing. I did NOTHING to them. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it at the time in my state of mind. If it were not me, it would have been someone else.

This is in no way skirting responsibility. It is realizing that some people are hateful and jealous. They have no regard for feelings and the only way they can excel is to put and push others down, taint their names and reap the benefits of their identified power. So, if I had been less trusting, open and stronger in my own conviction, and self love, I would have recognized all of this sooner. It would not have changed these individual’s attempts at sabotage.  It would not, however, persisted and infiltrated my life, as I would have moved on at the first signs.

How does this happen, how can it be prevented? I have to look at where it came from, to discover how to relearn the correct behaviors for myself.

I was not taught to believe or have my own voice. The boundaries of self and decision did not exist. Things were to be one way and there were no choices around that. There was no confidence building or compliments. There were no dialogs about dreams and the importance of understanding what makes me happy. There were no celebrations for good work, deeds, birthday’s or even graduating from high school.

All of this taught me that I was not important. That I was not worth celebrating and that the world around me is more important than anything I thought or felt. As a rule, I began to put myself last.

There has been a surprisingly bright light in my recovery. I got a Swiffer wetjet and dry broom. Depression [worry] depletes your energy, magnifies the negative and spirals you downward in your emotions. I previously purchased this fancy eco friendly steam mop from Bissel that didn’t work. There was a dire need to clean. The idea of cleaning exhausted me, so I couldn’t muster an ounce to tackle it. Three weeks ago I got the wet jet and cleaned my floor 6x on a Friday night. I was so happy. A few days ago I got the Swiffer sweeper. Basically I was able to tackle things I had no energy or motivation to do on a regular basis in months. Call me lazy [or crazy], I don’t care. Depression magnifies things. So a broom, dustpan, and sweeping makes me think of allergies, headaches and misery. On top of the length of time I’ve taken to get to it all. UGH…no thank you. Me – Downhill – FAST.  So, I was able to get a real dent in my cleaning. Just from spending money on something that could be considered a luxury. It has given me some really important intangible and critical things. I now have renewed sense of having more time, self-esteem, peace of mind and pride. I walk around without anxiety and a need to “do”. I can comfortably sit in my thoughts.

My anxiety manifests in needing to “do” things. If I am constantly “doing” I can’t think about what is actually going on in the moment. Unhappiness, dissatisfaction and boredom will lead to depression. All this occurred because I did not consider my own needs in my decisions. This is rooted in failing to think of me [broken record].

So, the revelation came on Saturday afternoon. I was listening to Timex Social Club, Rumors.

They said it plain and simple. JELEOUSY will make people spread rumors and lies. That has nothing to do with ME. It has nothing to do with my intelligence, looks, speaking tone and manner, ability, education, patience, sincerity, listening ability, giving ability, height, weight, skin color, tan, acne, pigeontoedness {I know it’s not a word}, or my need to love and be loved. It has everything to do with what THEY lack. What THEY need to do for themSELVES, to make THEMSELVES feel better than ME [or YOU].

So, as I heal from depression, divorce, harassment, abandonment. I realize the Lord had to move me from my circumstances in a very painful way. They were killing me, in real time, and the only way I was going to leave was from brut force.

Thank you Lord. Really good looking out.

Have a blessed day,

Taz

theTalkalotgirl

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